My baby is a flat-headed, non-napping, inappropriate TV addict

Hello all,

Broken ass update:

After I started walking like I’d pooed myself and it was slowly creeping down my leg I finally gave in and took WW’s advice to see a doctor. We packed up Squirt and schlepped over to the hospital. I had an uncomfortable examination which involved dropping trou and having the doc spread my butt cheeks and poke around in my ass crack. His verdict?- “Well, even if it is broken there’s nothing we can do for it. It’s not an important bone.”

Not important? Clearly you’re not the one sitting on it.

So continue to take ibuprofen as I was before then, yes? Thanks for all your help.

Lumpy breast update:

I have cut out my 1am pumping session and it actually seems to have helped. I no longer am nodding off over my pumps and waking up with blocked ducts. Unfortunately I no longer have an excuse not to work the night shift with Squirt so I’m not getting the solid 8 hour sleep I was looking forward to. It is much nicer to have a 20 minute cuddle than 30 minutes of eye-watering nipple hickeys though.

Other news:

This week has seen a new stress. Hello flat head syndrome. With Squirt’s new lovely long night sleeps has come a head that looks like a large person sitting on a space hopper. Google searches have presented forums with equal parts ‘don’t worry, it’ll get better on its own’ and ‘Oh my god my child is now deformed. Their ears, eyes and dimples have been rearranged to the point where they resemble a Picasso portrait’.  It has gotten to the point where strangers in the mall follow their ‘oh, how cute’ comments with ‘wow, that baby’s head is a weird shape’. Gotta love that Thai honesty. We have tried moving his head off the flat side when he’s sleeping (cue stirring and mummies panicking in case it triggers screaming) and tummy time (cue fussing followed by screaming). I have decided to overcome my suffocation fear and buy a special weird-baby-head-shape pillow. I suspect I won’t sleep for the first few nights we use it but hopefully his ears will no longer be located at 10 o’clock and 4 o’clock.

Today we tried to crack the day time naps and establish a routine other than desperately praying he’ll fall asleep, tip-toeing around terrified to make noise when he does, then sighing when he inevitably wakes after 20 mins and starts screaming. So, after more bullshit internet searches we tried the 10 o’clock, 2 o’clock plan. What actually happened is that he fell asleep at 9 o’clock for 15 mins, screamed then I spent the next hour and a half lying next to his cot putting his dummy back in his mouth every 36 seconds while he alternated between smiling and screaming. Nevermind, thought I, there’s always 2 o’clock. He fell asleep in the coffee shop at 12. I realized he had a dirty nappy. WW and I went to the bathroom. No baby changing facilities. I sat on the toilet with Squirt lying, still asleep on my lap, and we started changing him. Then we realized we had no wipes with us. So WW substituted crappy (excuse the pun), cheap, disintegrating, damp toilet paper and we got the job done. Then I sat back down and he started screaming again. Sigh. He was still sleepy and tearful and screamy so we tried to put him back to sleep when we got home at 1. WW spent 45mins putting his dummy back in while he alternated between chatting, whimpering and vomiting. She gave up and brought him back downstairs. Now he’s asleep on the sofa and we’re tip-toeing around again. I just glared at WW because she rustled a plastic snack bag near him. Fingers crossed he sleeps for longer than 20 mins. Best laid plans of mice, men and mothers….

Instead of sleeping during the day Squirt would rather be watching TV. He has taken a real interest in the idiot box, which is fine for the 10 minutes a day we play nursery rhymes on youtube but less ideal when the mummies are watching the L Word and its mandatory 10 minutes of girl-on-girl action and 10 vagina/sex euphemisms per episode. I guess it’s time to start thinking about what we’re watching and when. When I was little I used to watch soaps with my mum and it didn’t do me any harm…or did it??? Instead we should just entertain ourselves by doing stuff like this:

squishy baby face. yes.



how to make your baby look like an ageing drag queen.

*Bad language warning*

Before we left for Scotland my late night pregnancy forays into the kitchen disturbed some unwanted house guests. Roaches *shudder*. I half-heartedly left some Roach Motels (for those not in the know, lucky you. Picture cute, colourful cardboard cartoon houses with some hardcore glue inside and something cockroaches find yummy in the middle. I was dreading my nighttime milk and sterilization trips upon our return for the whole 3 months we were in the UK. Joy of joys, though, the Roach Motels worked! I was too scared to look but our cleaner informed us they were chockablock with the nasty little things and we haven’t seen any since. Yay!

However as one pest moved out, another moved in. Mother. Fucking. Ants.

Every day I kill hundreds. In the kitchen, in the downstairs bathroom, the bedroom, the upstairs bathroom. I’m afraid to use any chemical spray because of Squirt and the Monster. My kitchen cleaner does work but I’m going through it at the rate of knots. But the thing about the mother-fucking-ants is, there are a few million attempting to colonize my home. And they are starting to fight back. Yesterday they waged bitey war on WW as she emptied the kitchen bin. I bought little plastic things which they’re supposed to walk into, nibble on some poison then conveniently return home and die. But the little bastards are cleverer than that. They just march around. I HATE THEM. I know really I have to go through every cupboard and try and find anything else that might be attracting them but it’s tricky with Squirt…and I’m lazy. But what the hell are the after in the bathrooms? The bins are empty. As far as I know no one’s chowing down in there. I haven’t found them swarming around anything. Did I mention how much I hate them?? Does anyone have a magnifying glass I can borrow?

If anyone has any advice for me about flat head syndrome, a 3 month old who won’t nap during the day or how to get rid of mother-fucking-ants please comment below. All suggestions will be applied with a gusto for at least a few hours!


PS. Squirt woke up after 17 and a half minutes. Sigh.


Lumpy boobs and a broken ass.

Hello hello,

Well here we are, just over 10 weeks after WW and our lives changed forever and I can hesitantly say that things are getting slightly easier. Squirt is settling into a routine of sorts. He has embraced his 7pm bedtime and after a bath, massage, story and bottle, retires to the land of nod until 7am, with a couple of brief feeding wake-ups in between. He settles quite quickly into his cot so WW is no longer working her biceps rocking his heavy butt for hours and hours.

Mornings are his best time. He lies between our pillows and coos and smiles, making up for the fact he’s waking us by being uber cute. Then, after he’s made sure we’re good and awake he passes out again for a few hours. Little bugger.

We had a week of afternoon rage not long ago but he has calmed slightly. That’s lies, he hasn’t calmed at all. We just figured out that if he doesn’t need a new nappy and isn’t on the verge of sleep he needs another bottle. Even if it has only been an hour since the last one. And it seems to have done the trick. At least we’ve avoided the 3 hour screaming episodes.

He has learned to sit….kind of. Rather, he has learned to make us hold him in a sitting position while his head droops into his lap. And heaven forbid you try to support his head, or lean him against something or lie him down. He wants to sit, thank you very much, droopy head and all.10714215_10153462710971808_4972633879813342197_o

He also loves to stand and uses his chunky thighs to support his weight just until you rely on him doing it, then he likes to drop and see if you can catch him. Fun times. His heavy head is a hindrance during this activity too.

And my, aren’t fists yummy! Plus, isn’t it great how much slobber you can create doing that? And then you can blow spit bubbles, yay!1524103_10153448810396808_151995104887577110_o

Day time naps are not fun, apparently. We try to put him down in his very fancy rock and play but he will scream after 20 mins or so. 30, maybe IF we remember to set the white noise app. So long days are spent eating, having enormous tan-coloured bowel movements that get into every nook and cranny little boys have and travel half way up his back, eating some more, cooing, crying and occasionally puking, with the most impressive episodes exiting from his mouth and nose at speed and coating his entire face, body and any other body in the vicinity. In short, the mummies are kept pretty busy.

And what of the mummies? Well, WW is super mum. Her face holds endless entertainment, she’s great to chat to and seems to have infinite patience. She does seem to hand him to the other mummy just as he has a particularly nasty poop, but swears it’s a coincidence. She’s tired but hides it well and seems to be much happier now Squirt is sleeping for longer and longer periods during the night.

And myself…well, I’m a mixed bag. I’m still exclusively feeding Squirt expressed milk so every four hours will see me hooked up to my two pumps. It’s been a tough week as far as pumping goes because, despite getting up at 1am and 5am I’m still waking up with really painful blocked ducts. They clear usually by the afternoon pump but it makes my mornings pretty uncomfortable. I think it’s because I keep rolling onto my stomach when I’m asleep and squishing my boobs. Might be time to break out the pregnancy pillow again.

untitled (2)But what’s really a pain in the ass is the…pain in my ass. As Squirt’s big head entered the world I heard a loud ‘pop’ noise. At the time I thought that was just him popping out but when, after 2 and a half months I’m still quite sore when I sit, lie on my back and stand I think it might have been his 8 pounds 9 ounces smashing their way through my tailbone in their rush to get out into the real world. At the moment this is just suspicion and Dr Google’s diagnosis. As I can’t picture myself being fitted for an ass cast for this injury I haven’t been rushing to the doctors but if it’s still bothering me in a few weeks I might cave.


But apart from my possibly broken ass and lumpy boobs, I’m pretty good. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like a ‘yummy mummy’ though 🙂

TTFN xxx