You know you are a new parent when….

  • You rock chairs, cribs, buggies and trolleys and yourself, even when the baby is not there.

Our Squirt’s last weigh in put him at 11 pounds/ 5 kilos at 6 weeks old. This little porker loves to be bounced and rocked. Tired muscle memory takes over and you find yourself repeating these movements even when it’s not necessary. What’s more is it feels wrong not to.

  • The prospect for a 3o minute nap can make your day.

Squirt has settled into kind of a routine. And yes, I realize that in saying this he will immediately no longer follow said routine. but hey ho. We try to do bath and bed around 8pm, he often eats then sleeps around 9 then gets up to eat every four hours, around the same schedule as I pump milk. We found some free white noise apps for kindle and WW’s smart phone which have been invaluable. There’s a great one called Baby Soother which activates white noise when he cries. So WW is getting a little more sleep and I’m much the same, sleeping for 3 hours and pumping for 1 throughout the night. But remember, I used to easily sleep for 10 hours straight, so it’s been an adjustment.

  • You can’t leave the house in under 90 minutes.

We start getting ready 2 hours before we have to leave the house, and we leave the house at least an hour before we have to be anywhere. We are laden down like we’re going on a 2 week holiday every time.

  • You bolt down every meal on the run.

Squirt has a sixth sense when it comes to his mummies eating. The minute any food is ready he wakes up and starts demanding attention. So now I eat my food at speed to avoid eating one handed and unsuccessfully trying not to drip any on him.

  • Your pet seems to be suffering from depression.

We were a little apprehensive as to how The Monster would take to being usurped from her spot as our only baby. The first day she came running every time Squirt cried. Now she’s over it. She barely glances anymore, occasionally sniffs his toes as she passes and instead occupies her time looking sad and neglected in the corner. Both WW and myself make an effort to fuss her when we pass but there’s no getting around the fact that Squirt is a little more demanding of our time. We did spend over an hour picking ticks off you the other day Monster, we show our love like apes.

  • You spend more time on your baby’s appearance than your own.

Squirt’s clothes get changed if they have spit up on them. Ours do not. Yesterday I changed his outfit 3 times trying to find the cutest one. I wore the first thing that came to hand. My jewelry was rejected on the basis that it might scratch him. He is described as ‘cute’, I’m described as ‘mumsy’ or ‘knackered’.

  • You measure your success by how much expressed milk you have in the fridge/freezer.

I’ve come to terms with exclusively expressing and given up on the breast feeding after several more failed and painful attempts. It works for me and makes me a lot more confident to get out and about when I know we can pack a few bottles and feed him wherever and whenever. I’m lucky my boobs are hard workers and can keep up with Squirt’s greed hunger.




got milk? 10 liters excess in the freezer. finally a purpose for big boobs.

  • Poop is a regular topic of discussion with your partner.

Did he poop today? Was it normal? Oh my god, this is going right up to his belly! How many times has he pooped? What colour was it?…..Has the Monster pooped today?etc….

  • You secretly feel sorry for other people because their baby is just not as cute as yours.

We all do it, right? Nope? Just me? Well maybe that’s ‘cos my baby is cuter than yours 😉


PS. Squirt’s heart check up went OK. We met with a supremely unconcerned cardiologist who acted like he didn’t know what we were worried about, pointed out that Squirt is the picture of health and yes he still had a VSD (hole in his heart) but it obviously wasn’t doing him any harm. We will have another check up in a year and if that is OK not again until before he goes to school. He told us it may yet close by itself but if it doesn’t he could live unaffected by it for the rest of his life. We were given the all clear to fly, got home without any difficulties and will be seeing the Drs here soon for his 8 week vaccinations. I will be interested to see how they deal with his VSD compared to the NHS. I’ll keep you posted.



4 thoughts on “You know you are a new parent when….

  1. I am with you on just about all of this! I looked down today & had spit up all over me, b/c I was wearing yesterdays dress only after foregoing my shower. Meanwhile, my Oliver looked like a baby Gap ad. Ha!

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