No, my dog doesn’t sleep in a crib.

“A water please.’  says I in one of our favourite Thai restaurants.

‘Water? Not beer today?’ asks the friendly waitress.

‘Haha,’ I offer, hoping I understood the Thai.

…a little while later….

‘Oh I haven’t seen your friend in so long! She has really changed. She has gained so much weight!’, the friendly waitress tells WW.

‘Uh, she’s pregnant.’ WW replies.

‘Really? Wow, I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend!’

Awkward silence and smiling.

…a little while later….

‘The Monster didn’t come with you today?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, she is at home sleeping.’ says WW.

‘Who does she live with, you or your friend?’

Awkward pause. ‘Me.’ replies WW.


I thought I was out of the ‘fat or pregnant?’ phase but I guess not. Further emphasised by WW’s conversation with our cleaner* earlier today. First I’d like to share a pic of the baby-to-be’s room so you know what I’m talking about:


I got crafty  with the decorations to save a little cash. 50 quid for a mobile? You’re havin’ a giraffe.

We’ve been adding things to this room for a while but today was the first time our cleaner (name-  translates to Little) has seen the crib. And her question for WW?

‘Is that where the Monster sleeps?’



A crib would be lovely, thanks!


Now, I know to her (and most people) the Monster probably appears to be quite a spoiled and privileged little pooch but even we are not that crazy. P’ Little cleans around her cage in the hall every time she comes. She also gingerly vacuums around her ratty dog bed. It really made me wonder what she must think of us. Plus she sees me, belly, tits and all, every week. Hasn’t she figured out I must be pregnant? In her defence she also dusts pictures of our civil partnership ceremony and wedding cake so she might have realised we are lesbians and presumed, in the Thai way, therefore we will not be procreating.

‘So did you tell her I’m pregnant?’ I asked WW after I stopped giggling.

‘No. I just said ‘No, the Monster doesn’t sleep there’. I think it will be funny when we come back from the UK with a baby. Maybe she will think we bought it.’

Oh my god.

So I am going to post a couple of rare pics of my belly so you can get a good mental image of people’s ‘fat or pregnant’ dilemma. Now, before you recognise my face and think I’m dead famous I will warn you that I have skilfully photoshopped in an alternative visage. It’s one thing having your colleagues and relatives reading about your gas and vagina but quite another having the parents of the kids you teach stumbling across this and realising who you are. Although if they’ve run through 3 or more pages of thai-lesbian-pregnancy por.n to find me, I’m not sure I’m the one who should be embarrassed.

10 weeks to go!




*Yes, I work part time and we hired a cleaner, go ahead and judge. In my defence, I am clean freak, it’s 40 degrees here and aint nobody got time for that and furthermore at 10GBP for the whole house SCRUBBED from top to bottom,  it felt criminal not to.  But you can probably tell I am experiencing some middle class guilt about the whole thing.



pregnancy progression


12 thoughts on “No, my dog doesn’t sleep in a crib.

  1. This made the chuckle…Love that your cleaner thinks you’re crazy enough to make such a beautiful nursery for monster! Haha!
    And how do they not know you’re pregs?!! There is obviously a baby in there!!

    • Really, I can only imagine what she tells her friends about us. I think there are too many tiny pregant thai ladies who just look like they swallowed a beach ball, and that’s what they’re comparing me to.

  2. You are so tiny! I’m American so I have a different schema of bodies than the Thai I suppose. Gosh at 30 weeks you are barely showing compared to me. I have a basketball. But yeah, considering it’s all in your belly, there is no mistaking you are pregnant.

  3. You should really shock the cleaner and come back with a black baby. Btw I can commiserate on the odd presumptions some local people make. The fix-it guy of my building was replacing my butt gun (no details on how it broke) when he saw a photo of my 15-year old sister and I, and asked if she was my girlfriend. I guess the pink Warhol banana painting was not enough. Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy!

  4. Hehehe! Want to stop by Kwemz towers (I made up the name for you two, although as you actually share a surname I guess could’ve used that) before we all jet off for our life-changing events. When do you go? Xoxox

    • Yes, political fun times just keep on rolling over here. We’re safe. We’re outside the city and it’s still business as usual here.

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