Woman at the edge of the world (Scotland) gives birth to part baby, part gorrilla creature.

Hello again, remember me, the sarcastic whiner?

So I am now 19 weeks along, with one week to go before my next ultrasound. What’s new? What’s been happening in the world of Emz, WW, the Monster and  Squirt?…

The hairness continues. Where before I had to pluck that sole, old lady chin hair once a month, now it’s . every second day. That mofo’s got spirit.  I’m wondering if there was a mix up at the sperm bank and I am actually carrying a gorrillaman. Nope? Perhaps my new furriness can be attributed to regular old hormones then.

Possible solution for the issue that I can’t fit into my bikini top anymore?

Hunger, or should I say queasiness persists and can strike at anytime. Apparently 2.30am was as good a time as any for breakfast the other day. Just when my eyes are about to close (at 8.30pm MAX) is now cereal o’clock. 5 am is breakfast time. And also 6.30. And also 9. And then elevenses and then lunch and so on.  I kid myself that I am eating healthily, my brain frantically trying to find a way to excuse the dessert/rubbish I have once a day. I have been avoiding scales since the last scan but curiosity got the better of me yesterday. I was horrified to see I have gained 6 1/2 kilos, just over a stone . I hoped the scale was out but the next 3 confirmed it.

A little aside here about cultural differences… In Thailand people are not as precious about their weight as we are. I frequently hear people commenting about each other’s weight.  When we went to the North WW’s entire family’s first comment to her was that she’d gotten fatter.  Can you imagine if you went to a restaurant in the UK and the waitress commented how fat you’d gotten? That’s the norm here. It’s not something I’ve gotten used to. Conversations with WW used to go like this:

Me: ‘I’m going to be as big as a whale. I’m so fat now!’

WW: ‘Mmmhmm.’ (nodding).

I had to teach her the reflex response that should be an integral part of every partner of a pregnant person’s vocabulary: ‘You’re not fat. You’re pregnant.’ The crazy thing is that even though I basically trained her to say it, it still makes me feel better.

So with this mantra I’m trying to get over it and just enjoy the experience. Trying.

A few nice things are happening. A few times I have been lying still and quiet at night I have felt some wriggly, popping, fluttering movement just below my belly button. It’s still quite faint and gas-like, I’m excited for the first proper kick…but probably less so the 100th.

Also apart for the occasional stiffness my back has been behaving itself and I haven’t done my old lady hobble for months. Hooray.

My new passport finally arrived with my new name, which is exciting. I am starting to assemble the ‘Let WW into the UK’ pack but have to wait another 2 weeks until we can actually apply.

I’m flirting with Hypnobirthing. It’s a bit of a battle between my hippy side and my… well, brain. I’m sure most of the people I know would have a few snide comments tucked up their sleeve, and I probably could think of a few of my own. I figure if anything can help me during the birth it’s got to be worth a try. Plus a lot of the things in the book actually seem to make a lot of sense, surprisingly. Plus I enjoy the hypno-track before bed. Although I am only conscious for maybe the first 7 minutes. I hope that means it’s doing its job. If nothing else I’ll give the midwives a giggle, I’m sure. I tried to rope WW into the visualization aspects but I guess her hippy side got lost somewhere on the way.

I’m tired. I need a holiday but have another month to go, no half term for us.  I am ridiculous, I finish at 12 every day and get weekends off but at the moment it doesn’t feel like enough. I am sooo glad my last month or so is during the holidays. I don’t know how the poor ladies out there can work right up until they pop. Although a month in deepest, darkest Scotland might see me singing a different tune.

Apologies, I fear this was not the most exciting post. That’s why I’m not boring you as often as before. Plus a large part of my family are now subscribers . It’s a tad more difficult to write humorous things about vaginas and pubic hair when you’re aware your granny might be reading…




16 week scan

Hi everyone,

I am writing to you from my sick bed. I have finally succumbed to the various diseases floating around my school. Nothing too serious I think, I woke up with a stuffed up head, sore throat and low grade fever but my boss advised me to stay home and rest up. I hope it doesn’t morph into something more serious.

While we’re on the topic of colds I forgot to mention before the aggressive sneezing I have been experiencing since I got pregnant. I sneeze a lot normally but since little Squirt took up residency my sneezes have been elevated to another level. Whereas before I was able to daintily muffle my sneezes now I make everyone in the vicinity jump and spray them with snot and spit to boot. It’s gross to have to wipe that off your leg, even if it’s your own. I also now have to hold my tummy so I don’t feel as if I’m going to tear into two. Thankfully thus far my bladder has remained strong but if Squirt keeps going at this pace I might have to be adding Depends to my sexy pregnancy get up. Must do more Kegels.


So we went to the new hospital a few days ago for my advised 16 week scan. I somehow accidentally booked myself into the wrong branch but the kind nurses were able to fit me into the one I turned up at really quickly (read under 1 hour) so all was well. That is to say all was well for me. I had entered my ‘docile as a domestic cow because I’m about to see my baby’ higher state, whereas WW was sick and PMSing and not at all impressed with much that day. So I smiled and laughed at my stupidity when the nurses told me I’d booked the wrong hospital, WW rolled her eyes at me. I smiled and hummed while the doctor ignored me to speak to WW. I listened calmly as the doctor inquired if WW was my friend and WW replied ‘no’. I twiddled my thumbs happily during the awkward pause. I gazed at the adorable photos of babies adorning the walls while more questions were asked. I smiled again while a frustrated WW asked me how she should explain to the doctor that we were ‘partners’. I matter-of-factly informed the doctor that we were married in the UK and lapsed once more into silence as this apparently bizarre fact was digested. I then went to the ultrasound room and lay on the bed still smiling while WW began to angrily question why we were not allowed to film the scan or take our own pictures. I calmly waited until the nurse had backed off to readjust my trousers so my pubic hair was no longer on show. I found more cute baby pics to marvel at as WW answered more questions from the nosy doctor about sperm. For once we switched roles and I stayed happy while WW fumed.

It is a shame we couldn’t share the scan, it was amazing. The baby is so huge now, absolutely no trace of gummy bear remains. We watched it wriggle and kick me in the placenta repeatedly. It stretched, letting us count five fingers as it rubbed its nose. The doctor was very non-verbal, not at all like Dr W, mostly giving us fairly useless comments about how cute it was. Of course it’s cute, it’s our baby. She told us it was very active which was a good sign, and that it had very long legs like its mother. I was actually 16 weeks and 4 days but the scan said 17 weeks 3 days. Nothing was said about that or my weight gain (4.5 kg to date, although DR W messed up and wrote the wrong starting weight on my transfer sheet so as far as the hospital knew I had gained 13 kg). I stupidly asked if she could tell the gender yet which led to half an hour of searching and no more information about anything else. And after all that searching did we finally get an answer? Of sorts: 70% chance we spotted a wee penis, 30% chance we spotted a kind of large clitoris. More definite answers next month


All in all we miss Dr W but with the clinic so far away and slap bang in the middle of the protests we are not willing to return. We shall put up with our disappointing and more expensive hospital and hope we grow to like them more. I wasn’t enthralled with Dr W’s place to begin with and certainly the wait times at the hospital seem less excessive so far, so we’ll see. I just hope hope hope I can make it all the way and avoid giving birth there. I don’t think I’ll be able to do my domestic cow impression during the birth!


PS Ultrasound pics after the jump Continue reading

Wife of werewolf seeks visa….


Hello hello!

So, here I am, now over 16 weeks in…

I’ve started wearing a wrist support when sleeping and if I’m working at my computer a lot. It’s made a world of difference. A few kids were nosy and asked what happened to my hand. I told them my wrist was sore so I wore it to help. They then asked me if I had been playing too much Minecraft. Is this a thing? Are there 10 year olds out there with carpal tunnel because they can’t stop playing computer games??

We took a belly pic 2 weeks ago and the other day and you can really see my bump rising. Tres bizarre! Of course my crazy brain has translated the change in shape into doom and gloom- the baby has stopped growing/ is getting smaller, something must be wrong! Never mind that I remain ravenous every 2 hours and yesterday evening there was a definite fluttering which wasn’t followed by an enormous episode of flatulence. Only 2 more days to go until the next ultrasound, thank goodness. I don’t know how people out there survive with so few scans.

The ‘Great Thai Escape’ plan has been stalled by me having to deal with various government agencies. I’m waiting for the UK to send me a new passport with my new name before I can book flights. We also have to wait until 3 months before we travel before we can apply for WW’s visa. I’m sure the flight prices will rise loads by then so I’m going to go ahead and book them whilst crossing eyes, toes and tongues that we will, in fact, be able to use them.  In the meantime I am gathering up all the information we need to support her application including: passport copies for me, her, my dad and possibly our neighbors’ dog, our civil partnership certificate (depending on whether or not it is returned with my new passport), my finances, her finances, her parents finances, my parents finances, our cities finances and a pay slip from our taxi driver, proof of our meager possessions, my contract, payslips dating back the last 28 years, an application form which has to be completed online and then printed, proof we live together, a letter from me, WW, my dad and Santa…and a bunch more stuff I can’t remember right now. My theory is if you clobber them with enough paperwork they can’t refuse you. We’ll see if it works…

As far as other symptoms go I have reached an unprecedented level of hairiness. The other day WW pulled a 4 inch long hair from my shoulder. My shoulder! What possible reason could my pregnant body have for growing a four inch hair on my shoulder?? What was once a faint, sparse snail trail has grown and expanded, spreading a soft, downy carpet across my large belly. Also, hobbit feet.

I was searching for a funny werewolf pic and came across this…scared the crap out of me!

Thankfully my face remains unwerewolfy, and miraculously blemish free. Jinx. I bet my next post will see me moaning about crater face.

I got my eating a little more under control and as a result my crazy weight gain has slowed to a slightly more appropriate speed. I’ve been taking a little nostalgic stroll back through morning sickness the last few days but generally I’ve felt fine in this front. Current food favs are raisin bran and twixes.  Not together…although…

I think that’s about it. Back soon with an ultrasound update.