The end.

One hour ago I was happily teaching, trying to wrangle a bunch of unruly second graders when I felt a cramp.

10 minutes later the cramps were unbearable and I had to leave the class. I found a colleague and asked them to cover while I sat in the bathroom trying to breathe through the pain and not throw up. After 10 minutes I realized I wasn’t going to be able to return to class so I went to find my boss.

In her office I felt so faint I thought I might pass out. My ghostly reflection in the mirror behind her desk offered me no comfort as I kept my head down and tried not to vomit on her floor. She very quickly and sympathetically collected my things from my desk in the staffroom and drove me home.

I was unable to reach WW by mobile and I could see she was out on the motorbike when I got home. I had forgotten my keys so I sat in the drive, trying to overcome my pain and nausea. Eventually I was able to reach her and after a hurried explanation she told me she would return home asap. Then I started to bleed.

With tears rolling down my face I phoned WW and told her what was happening. I sat on the drive sobbing for the loss of my baby for 15 minutes, trying to ignore my curious neighbors worried or curious glances as they went about their lives.

Now I am lying down inside feeling the cramps and wondering if I will be able to see my baby when my body passes it.

I woke up this morning reassured by the fact that I felt sick and dreadful. If my symptoms are so strong surely the baby is still alive, thought I. Hahaha, don’t be so confident, replied fate.

5 weeks and two days in. Approximately the size of an orange seed. I am saying goodbye to my first baby.


12 thoughts on “The end.

  1. Are you sure it’s a miscarriage? Maybe it’s just some bleeding? Am I being naive? I’m so so sorry. Sending you so much love.

  2. It may not be a miscarriage. You are still going to the Dr on Saturday, right? Also, even if your body passed a foetus, your numbers were high and perhaps there could be another still there. That happened to my mum when she was pregnant with my brother.

    • That’s interesting I’d never heard of that. When we saw A’s facebook post that you had given birth but one of your monkeys had to stay in we thought she meant that they left one inside you, not in the hospital. I was like, wow, technology is amazing these days!

  3. I’m so sorry Emz. Have you gone to your doctor yet? My doctor said to call immediately at the sight of blood, or even go to the emergency room. Bleeding can be a miscarriage, but it could also be something else. My mom bled with my brother and thought she was going to lose him, but just had to be on bed rest for the first trimester. She said it was so heavy she had to wear pads. Sending hugs across the world.

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