The end….?

I just got back from the clinic, an exhausting 6 hour journey through rush hour traffic in a storm. WW did a great job keeping my mind off what was happening with an endless stream of happy chatter. I didn’t think it was possible but I fell in love with my wife a little more today.

When I arrived I was told to lie down. They took some blood and then we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Two hours later the big teasing nurse told us our blood test was back but we had to wait because the doctor had to go and perform a procedure in the operating room. I guess she saw our worried expressions because she grabbed our results and went over them with us.

My levels were 9720. An increase since Saturday but not as high as I would hope for or expect. She tried to tell us that this meant I wasn’t having a miscarriage but I remained unconvinced.

A few minutes later we were called into the doctors office. He explained that the levels were a good indication but admitted they could still fall tomorrow when I pushed him. He suggested the cramps and bleeding could be a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy or the fetus separating from my womb. He told us there is no way to know for sure. I had to have another oily progesterone injection and increase the dose of one of my pills. I also have to be on bed rest until Saturday.

A new, more intense level of waiting and more bed rest. Ugh.

I spoke to my boss and she was fantastic, trying to convince me it wasn’t too bad, she knew I hated bed rest and wanted to be at work but it was only 3 days etc. I feel like I couldn’t ask for a better boss in this situation.

The Monster knows something is wrong. She was ringing her bell frantically to get out of the house earlier when I was crying on the drive. When we came in she stuck to me, rather than attacking WW, like she normally does, following me into the bathroom and licking my legs obsessively while I cried.

I am trying to keep my mind off what it happening but it’s difficult. The doctor, nurses and all of you lovely people have instilled a little hope. My senses have been wrong before but I am worried that I don’t feel nauseous any more. I am feeling emotional though, which may or may not explain my whopper of a reaction to another case in our clinic today.

When we were in the clinic we were surprised to see a very very young girl having an egg retrieval. It took us a while to match her to her partner but eventually we realized she had come with her (much older, fatter and less attractive) husband and his parents. It was weird. No one spoke to her. The rest of the family had a very long meeting with the doctor while she sat in the recovery room alone. Then they had a very long discussion with the nurses at the desk while she sat in the waiting room, uninvolved. They were an Indian family and they were doing ICSI  because they wanted a boy.

I totally lost it when WW told me. Here I am (and most of you guys are) just wishing and hoping for a healthy, take home baby and these people are discarding healthy embryos because they want a boy?! A lot of expletives were uttered. Did this girl (who looked no older than 20) have a say in any of this? She certainly wasn’t being involved in her treatment plan. She wasn’t even present at most of the discussions. And what if the clinic is wrong and they implant a girl? What if it’s a boy and they turn out gay or transgender? I think this technology is fantastic but I definitely do not agree with it being used to create designer babies.

Misplaced anger at what’s happening to me or justified outrage? What is your opinion on the choices this technology can allow us to make? Would you pick and choose any characteristics for your child if you were able?



16 thoughts on “The end….?

  1. absolutely NOT! This situation would have (and does) anger me as well. There has to be a line somewhere. We had to use ICSI, so, like you said I am thankful for this as an option to help when necessary, but was can’t build our perfect families. This is not a video game. This is real life. Where some things have to be left up to chance.

  2. Unfortunately, this is not the first instance I’ve heard of an Indian woman having no say in her fertility or her baby. I guess it’s just one of those cultural things I’ll never understand. But I do agree with you, I would be OUTRAGED if I witnessed what you did in person!

    Thinking of you lots today, and hoping for the best.

    • Thank you for the well wishes. I know it can be difficult to wrap your head around aspects of different culture but I don’t even want to try with this.

  3. First and foremost, huge hugs from across the world to you. Sending you good thoughts!

    Second, I try so hard to be accepting of cultural traditions I don’t understand or believe in; however, I find the utter disrespect by some cultures for women, their minds and bodies to be infuriating. Ugh!!

  4. I have all of the things crossed that this is just some regular spotting and all will be well tomorrow.
    On the PGD front . . .ugh. As we enter this IVF world I often have weird ethical thoughts about how I feel generally about this, the idea of some embryologist choosing which sperm and which egg, all of that. But mostly those are thought experiments.
    But using PGD to do anything but ensure general health really makes me feel creeped out. There was a couple on a GLBT fertility board I’m on who did PGD to choose B/G twins and it just felt creepy to me. Especially as a gay person, it feels way too close to eugenics for me. So creepy.

    • I totally agree and have similar worries. I read somewhere that scientists are trying to find a gay gene. It’s not a huge leap that some will use that information to avoid making gay babies. Imagine a sad, grey world with no more fabulous rainbow sparkle left in it 😦

  5. Wow, no, I definitely do NOT endorse the use of A.R.T. to create designer babies. It’s such a slippery slope – right now they can really only select for gender. But what happens when they can select for more advanced characteristics like height, weight, handedness, sexuality, eye color, etc. Seems like some creepy sci-fi movie to me! No, thanks. Hoping for the best for you ❤

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