First Ultrasound

Well we had good news and bad news today.

We arrived quite early at the clinic and it was really quiet. There has been a lot of political unrest here recently, I’m not sure if the demonstrations put people off but we were seen in a record 15 minutes.

In the ultrasound room I lay holding WW’s hand (sweatily) while Dr W slowly swished the dildo cam back and forth.

‘There are two sacs,’ he told us, showing us the first. ‘This one is not good. You see the grey? Probably it’s  bleeding inside, that’s why you had pain and bleeding. This is the second. Here is the sac, a good shape. Here is the embryo. You see the fluttering? That’s the heartbeat.’

So we lost one, just like you clever readers predicted but we still have another. The heart rate was 117bpm which seemed low but Dr said anything over 100 was fine.

I feel sad about the loss of one embryo but I suspect it was never developing very well and that’s why we kept having borderline numbers. We are thrilled to have one scrapper still with us. The Dr gave us good odds that the remaining one should be OK, so fingers crossed. Two more weeks until the next ultrasound.

I’m finally home now. Knackered from not sleeping much last night and waking at 4am. Going to take a nap now. Phew.

Bed rest day 3

Thanks for the continued support guys. I suppose the only think more boring than bed rest is reading about bed rest so thanks for sticking with me.

Nothing much to report today. I have continued to feel sick as a dog and gassier than a…dog (? having a brain fart, sorry) all day. 3 days of hard core nausea and no sunlight has given me an interesting pallor. I feel a little like I’m auditioning for the Walking Dead. Not helped by the fact I decided it wasn’t worth showering or brushing my hair today. I did brush my teeth a few times as now I can smell my own breath and it aint good.

No cramps or bleeding since that horrible day.

My friend recently had laproscopic surgery to fix a hernia which cost his insurance company 5,000 GBP. Shit balls, I hope that a D and C would be a hell of a lot cheaper because at the moment we only have 1,000 GBP and that’s earmarked for an FET. Scratch that, I hope we don’t/wont need a D and C.

Only one more night of worry. WW has promised two more weeks of vegetarianism to Buddah if everything is OK and I’m going to go ahead and renounce my atheism in his favour if he gives us a hand over here. I think I will stop and say a prayer and give an offering at a shrine on the way tomorrow.

There are no longer any atheists in this foxhole. She’s gone the way of the girl who didn’t believe in superstition and old wives tales. I am now a full convert. Things are out of my control, I’ve done everything I can. I hope whoever is taking the reins has got my back.

TTFN X

Bed rest day 2

Oh my god, the morning sickness as risen to new nauseating heights. Felt truly awful all morning. I tried all the usual tricks and was eventually saved by a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. It has been better this afternoon. Or rather it has been replaced by a nasty, smelly case of the dtods (flatulence…oh the glamor). Does anyone know if women continue to have strong morning sickness episodes during a miscarriage?

I am being very demanding to WW, who is doing an admirable job of not getting too frustrated by conversations like this:

WW: ‘I’m at the Mall. What do you want for lunch?’

Me: ‘Oh, nothing. I feel too sick to eat anything.’

WW: ‘Are you sure?’

Me ‘Yes, thanks.’

11 minutes later…

Me: ‘WW, I have to have some chicken nuggets. Right now.’

WW: ‘I am almost home now.’

And this…

WW: ‘Do you want some ginger tea?’

Me: ‘Ew, yuck no…oh, actually yes.’

I am not trying to be annoying but I go from sick as a dog to starving with weird cravings in a blink of an eye. Sorry WW.

As I have mentioned before my health insurance doesn’t cover pregnancy or anything pregnancy or birth related. I tried to find additional insurance but was told it was impossible without taking on a ‘joint plan with my husband’. WTF? It occurred to me late last night if this is an ectopic pregnancy we are most likely going to be paying for a D and C out of our own pocket. I have no idea how much that operation costs. I think the only thing more depressing than having to have an abortion would be having to use our IVF fund/bankrupt ourselves in the process.

Oh Buddha, Santa, Thor or anyone else with any control over my body, please help my baby to stick and grow. Please.

Bed rest day 1

The bleeding and cramping stopped last night. Which was nice. When I woke up this morning it was almost like yesterday was a bad dream.Almost.

I felt quite sick this morning and I’ve been ravenous all day. The healthy diet was scuppered a little but I’ll try again tomorrow. My boobs are really sore and I can’t get comfortable when I’m trying to sleep. My belly has felt tender and a little uncomfortable but not crampy, per say. Other than that my main symptom is boredom. Oh and a wee case of cray cray hormones when I was doing my sexy snorty laugh at the Monster sitting on WW’s head in bed,  and then I started the uncontrollable crying. Fun times.

I forgot to share yesterday that we were having some English as a second language problems at the clinic yesterday. First we had to explain the word ‘tampon’ to the doctor. I’m not cool enough to not get embarrassed by this stuff yet. I asked for a doctor’s note for work and received one stating my symptoms were ‘threatened abortion’.  Note to self, clarify the difference between abortion and miscarriage at the next appointment.

Thanks so much for all the kind words everyone. You’re keepin me from sailing away down the waterfall of nuttiness.

 

TTFN X

The end….?

I just got back from the clinic, an exhausting 6 hour journey through rush hour traffic in a storm. WW did a great job keeping my mind off what was happening with an endless stream of happy chatter. I didn’t think it was possible but I fell in love with my wife a little more today.

When I arrived I was told to lie down. They took some blood and then we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Two hours later the big teasing nurse told us our blood test was back but we had to wait because the doctor had to go and perform a procedure in the operating room. I guess she saw our worried expressions because she grabbed our results and went over them with us.

My levels were 9720. An increase since Saturday but not as high as I would hope for or expect. She tried to tell us that this meant I wasn’t having a miscarriage but I remained unconvinced.

A few minutes later we were called into the doctors office. He explained that the levels were a good indication but admitted they could still fall tomorrow when I pushed him. He suggested the cramps and bleeding could be a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy or the fetus separating from my womb. He told us there is no way to know for sure. I had to have another oily progesterone injection and increase the dose of one of my pills. I also have to be on bed rest until Saturday.

A new, more intense level of waiting and more bed rest. Ugh.

I spoke to my boss and she was fantastic, trying to convince me it wasn’t too bad, she knew I hated bed rest and wanted to be at work but it was only 3 days etc. I feel like I couldn’t ask for a better boss in this situation.

The Monster knows something is wrong. She was ringing her bell frantically to get out of the house earlier when I was crying on the drive. When we came in she stuck to me, rather than attacking WW, like she normally does, following me into the bathroom and licking my legs obsessively while I cried.

I am trying to keep my mind off what it happening but it’s difficult. The doctor, nurses and all of you lovely people have instilled a little hope. My senses have been wrong before but I am worried that I don’t feel nauseous any more. I am feeling emotional though, which may or may not explain my whopper of a reaction to another case in our clinic today.

When we were in the clinic we were surprised to see a very very young girl having an egg retrieval. It took us a while to match her to her partner but eventually we realized she had come with her (much older, fatter and less attractive) husband and his parents. It was weird. No one spoke to her. The rest of the family had a very long meeting with the doctor while she sat in the recovery room alone. Then they had a very long discussion with the nurses at the desk while she sat in the waiting room, uninvolved. They were an Indian family and they were doing ICSI  because they wanted a boy.

I totally lost it when WW told me. Here I am (and most of you guys are) just wishing and hoping for a healthy, take home baby and these people are discarding healthy embryos because they want a boy?! A lot of expletives were uttered. Did this girl (who looked no older than 20) have a say in any of this? She certainly wasn’t being involved in her treatment plan. She wasn’t even present at most of the discussions. And what if the clinic is wrong and they implant a girl? What if it’s a boy and they turn out gay or transgender? I think this technology is fantastic but I definitely do not agree with it being used to create designer babies.

Misplaced anger at what’s happening to me or justified outrage? What is your opinion on the choices this technology can allow us to make? Would you pick and choose any characteristics for your child if you were able?

 

The end.

One hour ago I was happily teaching, trying to wrangle a bunch of unruly second graders when I felt a cramp.

10 minutes later the cramps were unbearable and I had to leave the class. I found a colleague and asked them to cover while I sat in the bathroom trying to breathe through the pain and not throw up. After 10 minutes I realized I wasn’t going to be able to return to class so I went to find my boss.

In her office I felt so faint I thought I might pass out. My ghostly reflection in the mirror behind her desk offered me no comfort as I kept my head down and tried not to vomit on her floor. She very quickly and sympathetically collected my things from my desk in the staffroom and drove me home.

I was unable to reach WW by mobile and I could see she was out on the motorbike when I got home. I had forgotten my keys so I sat in the drive, trying to overcome my pain and nausea. Eventually I was able to reach her and after a hurried explanation she told me she would return home asap. Then I started to bleed.

With tears rolling down my face I phoned WW and told her what was happening. I sat on the drive sobbing for the loss of my baby for 15 minutes, trying to ignore my curious neighbors worried or curious glances as they went about their lives.

Now I am lying down inside feeling the cramps and wondering if I will be able to see my baby when my body passes it.

I woke up this morning reassured by the fact that I felt sick and dreadful. If my symptoms are so strong surely the baby is still alive, thought I. Hahaha, don’t be so confident, replied fate.

5 weeks and two days in. Approximately the size of an orange seed. I am saying goodbye to my first baby.

Tortured by songs.

Often I wake up with songs in my head, almost like I have a soundtrack to my dreams. Mostly they seem pretty random and are often very old. No idea how they slipped into my subconscious. Today two songs have been stuck in my head all day. I think it doesn’t take Freud to figure out why…

‘Are you in there little fetus?

In nine months will you come greet us?

I’ll buy you some adidas.’*

 

and…

 

‘Do your boobs hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro?

Can you tie them in a knot?

Can you tie them in a bow?’

 

This has been my day. Needless to say it hasn’t been productive. Plus, hello nausea (and goodbye ability to spell words like nausea without the aid of the spell checker). No vomit yet but it’s felt like a close call on a couple of occasions. Now I either feel like I want to throw up or panic that the embryo is dead because I don’t feel like I want to throw up.

What stupid, annoying or great song has been stuck in your head recently? Any morning sickness remedy suggestions? I am already taking vit B6 and drinking ginger tea…

 

TTFN x

 

*If you don’t get the reference we can’t be friends any more. Ba bom bom ch!

 

 

Beta Round Two

Thank you so much for all the well wishes yesterday. It really helped to know that it’s not just WW and myself rooting for thi  pregnancy. 

It turns out my instincts are bullshit. There’s definately still something going on in there. Last week Dr W said we’d be hoping for around 2000, ten times higher than my first levels. My actual number is 3820. My maths is dodgy but that seems significantly higher than the predicted result. Dr W is no longer certain we only have one cooking in there. WW is getting quite edgy.

We’ll have to wait until next Saturday to see….

 

As for the ‘two truths and a lie’ game I’ll post the answer below the jump. Continue reading

Two Truths and a Lie

Here is a wee game from Dogs Aren’t Kids, who you should check out if you haven’t already.

Basically I will tell you three things, two of which are true and one of which is a big stinker of a lie. Then you guess which is which in the comments. And post your own two truths and a lie. Easy peasy…or so I thought until I realized all of these should be things I haven’t shared before. Which doesn’t leave a lot. So here  goes…

1. I married my first girlfriend.

2. I am related to Engelbert Humperdink (yes, that’s a real person- look him up!)

3. I have a motorbike license.

 

lied

So there you have it. Those took me about 15 minutes to come up with. I hope I’m a better liar in text than I am in person.

In other news, here’s a quick symptom update..

  • I am not suffering from the dreaded constipation, thankfully. I credit all the fruit, yoghurt and oat bars I’m munching religiously.
  • I am eating a lot but mostly it’s healthy. Lots of fruit, meat and veg. Haven’t actually been enjoying or craving chocolate for the last few days. But I’m loving crackers and pretzels instead. I am always hungry just before bed so I have a big box of raisins on my nightstand. No matter what I wake up at 5am STARVING every morning.
  • My back is keeping up it’s protest. Lying down in bed and walking are fine but sitting and standing still brings on the burn and sharp flashes of nerve pain.
  • I am breaking new records by peeing every 30 minutes during the day. So I’m getting loads of exercise walking back and forth to the loo.
  • No patience and very short fuse.Quick mood switches. (Sorry students).
  • My attention span has become similar to that of a sugared up 3 year old with ADHD.
  • The Monster has been refusing to cuddle with me since the positive result…jealous already?
  • Very tired. My body feel heavy and flu-ey when I get out of bed in the morning. I take 30 mins-1 hour naps in the afternoon and I am asleep before 9pm. I wake up independently at 5am but then feel tired all morning.
  • I am addicted to ginger tea.

This sounds like a list of moans but it’s not, really. Nothing is really bothering me. Even the back pain, which usually sends me spiraling into a black hole of depression. It’s OK. If it’s part of the deal, I’ll take it.

I am worried though. I feel different from last week and I can’t pin point why. I feel like something has changed or gone wrong. WW was very accepting of my need to pee on a stick last night. Although technically I peed in a cup then used a dropper to add some pee to the test. WW was accepting but still stingy with her test choice :-). It was positive but it might not show any change…agh- roll on Saturday. Why have the last few weeks dragged their feet so??

WW told her mum. Although her mum was happy she wasn’t as excited as she might have been if it was WW who was pregnant. I can understand that but I hope her parents realize that to us, and to the squirt they will be proper grandparents. I hope. But the kind of amazing thing is WW’s mum offered to help us buy a car. Wow! Cars here are taxed 300% so we can’t even afford a rust bucket. It’s quite a relief not to be imagining juggling the shopping and a newborn on the back of a motor bike. WW’s mum is insisting that we buy a brand new car. It will feel so strange to drive around corners and not be soaked by the leak in the roof, like my old Clio. Or stall the engine and have to pop the bonnet in a traffic jam and fiddle with the starter cable, also like my old Clio.

Anyways, how is everyone else getting on at their various different stages? Wanna play ‘Two truths and a lie’?

TTFN X