The Monster: Adorable or A**hole?

I was reading a fellow blogger’s ‘About’ section recently and I chuckled as she described her cat as adorable/asshole. What an apt description for the Monster, thought I. So I nicked her phrase and used it as the concept for this post. If you don’t enjoy reading about badly behaved/wonderful dogs you might want to check back with me tomorrow.

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Baby Monster…sooooo cute!

The Monster, like many pets switches between asshole and adorable hats from moment to moment. And I, blinded by love and a cute face, predominantly remember the adorable moments. I am going to take this opportunity to document her behaviors and decide is she more adorable or asshole?

  • Cute, cutie, cute, cute. Even her under-bite begging face is cute.                                                             1 point adorable.
  • Skin problems. Plural. She had to take a cocktail of pills everyday, (which she takes by us prying open her jaws and shoving down her throat- very slobbery) we have to rub stinky things into her skin and she costs us a small fortune at the vet every month.                                                                                                                                     1 point asshole.
  • When she wants something she sighs and groans. She only barks and growls when she’s playing . Her ‘I want’ noises are much more human.This is cute in the afternoon, much less so at 3 am.                         1 point adorable/ 1 point asshole.
  • She likes to curl up between us in bed and snore.                                                                                         1 point adorable

 

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  • She often needs to pee or poop in the middle of the night.                                                                           1 point asshole

  • She often rings the bell on the door to go out to pee but does nothing, especially with WW. She is not allowed to be unsupervised in the garden because she is restricted from walking on dirt due to her skin problems. 1st world dog problems. Sometimes she will ring the bell 5 times in an hour and do nothing. If we don’t take her out she shits in the downstairs bathroom.                                                                                                                                         1 point asshole

 

  • When she has pooped she runs backs into the house, finds WW, wherever she might be and attacks her. Not in a ‘scarred for life’ way but enough for WW to shout and complain.                                                                    1 point asshole
  • When she’s sick or we’ve had to put her head in the cone (again) she sulks and sleeps a lot, often on my lap.                                                                                                                                                                                                  1 point adorable
  • When someone sneezes, coughs or cries she comes to check they are OK.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1 point adorable
  • She always brings a toy to play with and then mucks about and growls just out of reach so you can’t actually play with her,                                                                                                                                                                        1 point asshole.

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Gone are the days when she was little enough to fit easily under the sofa.

  • She randomly stuffs herself under the sofa, wearing a cone and then groans because she can’t get out. There is nothing under the sofa and she never does this when she isn’t wearing a cone and could get herself out.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       1 point asshole
  • When I have my period, back pain, egg retrieval or any other time when I am broken in some way, she sleeps on me and keeps me company, sometimes for hours.                                                                                                    1 point adorable

 

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  • She wakes up at around 6.30am at the weekend. During the week she wakes at 5am, half an hour before my alarm.                                                                                                                                                                                     1 point asshole
  • The minute we have made food and sat down to eat she rings the bell to go outside and pee. Every.Single.Meal.                                                                                                                                                                                             1 point asshole
  • She wakes me up in the morning by sneaking onto my pillow and licking my face.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             1 point adorable
  • I get out of bed and get semi dressed to take her to pee. She pees and runs back into the house. The second I go back to my bed and my head touches the pillow she rings the bell again to go poop.                                          1 point asshole
  • She is on a restricted diet because of her skin and is only allowed to eat dry salmon/rice food and fruits and vegetables. She is obsessional about mangoes and can recognize them from 500 yards away. She will then sit staring, with her bottom teeth sticking out, groaning until we get her some.                                                                     1 point asshole

 

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Milk mustache before milk became one of many forbidden items.

  • When visitors come she shows her excitement by peeing on them.                                                              1 point asshole
  • The whole time visitors stay with us she insists on licking their toes.                                                           1 point asshole
  • She is friendly to everyone and every animal she meets and she particularly loves kids.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     1 point adorable
  • She occasionally eats the corners of furniture and wallpaper.                                                                       1 point asshole
  • She took 6 months to house train and still has occasional moments of forgetfulness.                                 1 point asshole
  • She is very responsive to training to training when food is involved. I got a little stuck, having never trained a dog but she can sit, shake, stay, lie down, go, come and jump up. She taught herself to beg. And to manipulate.                                                                                                                                                                                                          1 point adorable
  • She pretty much listens to me and does as she is told. Especially when I break out my angry voice.                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1 point adorable
  • She pretty much never listens to WW. If WW uses her angry voice the Monster replies with her own angry voice.                                                                                                                                                                                            1 point asshole

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Favorite TV show- the Dog Whisperer. We love you Cesar but we break all your rules every day!

  • The Monster’s favorite game is ‘Where’s Mummy?’ in which I run and hide and WW says ‘where’s mummy?’ in an excited voice. The Monster will immediately start running around the house searching. She pretty much sucks at this game and can often be tricked by people hiding higher than her eye line (about 1 foot off the floor). WW also recanted a funny story where she hid behind the bathroom door and the Monster could only see her reflection in the mirror and spent the next 10 minutes trying to leap into the sink, to get WW out of the mirror. If she turned around she would have seen WW behind the door. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.                                                                                1 point adorable
  • Her farts are super nasty and often get blamed on me.                                                                                  1 point asshole
  • Instead of walking around the humans she uses them as trampolines.                                                        1 point asshole
  • When the neighbourhood dogs walk past unleashed she runs over to our garden gate to say hi and allows them to mark their territory on her head.                                                                                                                                 1 point asshole
  • Smelly, gunky eye snot collects in her eyes several times a day. When we try to remove it she thinks that we are offering her a yummy tissue treat and won’t sit still.                                                                                                        1 point asshole
  • She thinks her reflection is another dog and often goes to investigate. She is scared of her reflection when she is wearing a cone.                                                                                                                                                   1 point adorable
  • She sometimes falls asleep with her favorite toy of the moment still in her mouth because the humans were too tired to wrestle it off her.                                                                                                                                                1 point adorable
  • She often sleeps with her legs splayed open in a most unladylike fashion.                                                  1 point adorable
  • Her eyelashes are longer than the width of her eyes.                                                                                    1 point adorable

That gives me a total of 15 points adorable and 20 points asshole which is probably about right. It doesn’t matter too much to me though as the minute she crawls onto my lap and passes out I forget all the asshole moments we had that day. She is our fluffy teddy bear and we love her despite her assholey-ness. I mean, come on- look at the photos! How an that cutie be an asshole? Of course, she is almost always sleeping in the shots and that when she’s at her best :-D.

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Are your pets more adorable or asshole? Please share examples below x

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2 thoughts on “The Monster: Adorable or A**hole?

  1. This wins the funniest blog post I’ve ever read!
    Maybe it’s a shih tzu thing because too many of his asshole anecdotes are shared with mine.
    Monster is adorable, adorable, adorable!
    If there were an emoticon with an underbite, I would use it here. 😀

    • lol, there totally should be an emoticon with an underbite. Thanks for the lovely comment. I’m glad my dog isn’t the only one with asshole tendancies.

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